Joke Today: Just Like 50 Years Ago...

Joke Today: Just Like 50 Years Ago...

An old couple celebrates their 50th wedding anniversary in their home.

"Just think," the old man says, "we were sitting here at this same breakfast table, naked as jaybirds, 50 years ago."

"Well," the old lady snickers naughtily, "what do you
old couple
say, do you think we should get naked?"

The two chuckle and proceed to slowly strip to what God gave them. Then they sit back down at the table, staring at each other.  

"You know, honey," the little old lady says slyly, "My breasts burn for you now just as they did 50 years ago."

"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!"

Nearly screwed a Ladyboy last night.
Picked him up in a night club. He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman.
Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement!
That's when I thought -Hang on just a minute!

I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
I shouted - Where you off to Charlie?
He said, I'm off to change a light bulb.
Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said,
- That's gonna be a bit awkward init?
- Not really. he said. I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard.


Boy comes home and tells his parents he has just had sex for the first
time.
The proud Dad says 'I'll buy you a bike to celebrate, but you will have
to wait until next pay day"

The boy replies 'that's alright Dad, my arse is too sore to ride it anyway'


Had my first Gig as a stand up comedian at an old people's home last
night.
They didn't get any of my jokes but they still pissed themselves.



Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, 'How dare you call me a
slapper, get out of my bed right now and take your f****ing mates with
you'


I was at Tesco this afternoon, when a lady dropped dead in front of me,
I felt really sorry for her - she had just bought a Bag for Life.


Teacher says to little Tommy 'Why weren't you at school yesterday?'
Tommy says 'My grandfather got burnt' Teacher says 'Badly?' Little Tommy
says 'Yes, they don't f*ck about at the crematorium.'


A friend of mine says he is making love to twins, I said ' How can you
tell the difference?' He said ' Her brother has got a moustache".


A charity pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics and Homosexuals
descended into chaos yesterday when somebody shouted 'He's behind you!'




The best for last:

Hubby has ' I love you' tattooed on his penis, and goes home to show his
wife, she says 'There you go again, trying to put words in my mouth'

Joke: Next Floor, Please.
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have jobs.  

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have jobs and love kids.

"That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more."
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:


Floor 3 - These men Have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.